I somehow felt that I was responsible for what happened...
A child is never responsible for the actions of the abuser, no matter what the circumstances were. The perpetrator will have wanted you to feel guilty to ensure your silence. Often using phrases like "this is our secret, others wouldn't understand", "I know you enjoy it", "you want it as much as me" in an attempt to justify their actions and transfer blame to you.
I never said no...
Abusers contantly rationalise their own guilt by convincing themselves that their victims consented to the sexual activity. In legal terms, a child under the age of 16 cannot give consent, but this does not stop defence counsel from asking the question in court. If you are a complainant in an historic abuse case you are at liberty to remind the court that you were a child at the time of the offending. To have said no may have infuriated the perpatrator and caused him to physically abuse you as well.
It happened more than once...
You are not responsible, no matter how many times or how long the abuse lasted. Most abusers are driven by a very strong compulsion to abuse and are very skilled at manipulating their victims to their own ends. Abuse often continues until the victim is no longer attractive to the abuser. Children who are victimised are often needy and vulnerable and offenders recognise and exploit that vulnerability. Possibly they are sensing something of their own vulnerability as children, as many abusers were themselves abused as children, but now the roles are reversed.
There was more than one perpetrator...
Children who have been abused develop a sense of having no options, a sense of having to comply with the wishes of others and become the target of other predators. Once again the abuser senses the child's vulnerability. The child possibly begins to believe that others somehow know what has happened to him in the past and that no choices are now open to him but to comply.
I thought he/she was my friend...
Herein lies one of the tragedies of sexual abuse; betrayal of trust. The abuser invarably is well known to the child and presents as a regular person. A predator works hard at convinving others that he/she is a nice, caring person. Not only is the child fooled, but also parents and other caregivers. The abuser manipulates the child by a process known as grooming, making the victim feel special, perhaps more grown up than others, attractive and very important to the perpetrator. Having gained the child's trust, the abuser moves to sexualise the relationship. The betrayal of trust will have a long lasting effect on the child and he may never fully trust anyone for the rest of his life. Issues within relationships will trigger all manner of responses from anger to emotional numbing and distancing ones self from others.
Did I get abused because the abuser thought I was gay?...
Some male abusers of boys minimise their behaviour by telling their victims they are helping them (the victims) discover their sexuality and if the victim becomes aroused that they are gay. Sexual arousal and orgasm during abuse is not uncommon, it is simply a response to stimulation and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. If a boy later realises he is gay he may wonder "am I gay because of what happened to me?" Sexual abuse does not cause you to become homesexual, but it does result in much suffering for both gay and straight survivors.
Do I see a Male or Female Counsellor?...
Some Men may not wish to work with a Counsellor who is the same gender as their abuser. While this is very understandable, therapy involves working with transference issues. So this could be an opportunity to work through this fear, rather than attempt to avoid it.
When deciding on a Counsellor make sure you find someone you feel you can trust, someone you can relate to, someone you can work with.
Should I confront my abuser?...
Questions using the word "should" sometimes indicate that we are thinking "What do others expect me to do?" Once you are no longer asking "should" but thinking, "I need to confront (the b........d) him or her", then the time is near. But, first make sure you discuss this issue with your Counsellor and carefully plan how you are to go about it before taking any action. Sadly, the response you receive from the abuser will not likely be the one you are looking for.
Do I report my abuse to the Police?...
Once again carefully talk through all the isssues with your Counsellor. While many abusers are serial offenders this doesnot in anyway mean you are obligated to report them to the Police. You own safety and well being comes first.
If you do decide to report the matter you will be treated with respect and understanding by the Police. If charges are laid and the case goes to trial make sure you have very good support in place. Giving evidence is a harrowing experience, but there is also a lot to be gained from making a stand against sexual abuse by breaking the silence.
Why didn't I tell someone at the time?
Who could you have told? Was there someone you were that close to that you could trust to believe you, really understand what was happening to you? Someone who would not blame you, get angry with you or tell you it was no big deal? In some cases it is likely that the only person the child felt close to was his abuser. The end result of a lonely and/or vulnerable child having been carefully "groomed". As mentioned previously children mistakenly assume responsibility for what is happening and feel that they are somehow to blame. In some instances where the suspicions of others have been aroused children will lie to protect the abuser, they don't want to get him or her into trouble. But predominently will be the fear of being themselves in very serious trouble despite assurances to the contrary. Boys who are abused by an adult invariably have great difficulty believing what other adults tell them.
Remember sexual abuse is all about "power", "control" and "manipulation". And, although most child molesters do not see themselves as powerful, and in fact part of their pathology maybe their sense of powerlessness in adult relationships, to their victims they seem very powerful. This belief from the child's perspective is often backed up by the abuser's authoritive position as a parent, older relation, caregiver, priest, teacher, coach, scoutleader etc.
As an outcome of being abused will I become an abuser?
The short answer is No. Only a small percentage of those who are abused go on to abuse others. Most abusers were abused themselves as children. Some child molesters do not see their own early sexual experiences (excluding "peer" group experiences) as abusive. Or, more likely they do not wish to see the experience as harmful. This belief is often used as part of the offender's rationale, "It didn't harm me, so it won't harm you". The hardened offender will rigidly stick to this rationale, many are incapable of feeling empathy for others and actually believe they are being victimized by a society that doesn't want to understand them and accept their behaviour. Many offenders feel quite inadequate, isolated and have low self-esteem.
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